Police Capture Blazing Motorized Shopping Cart Robber
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In Fairbanks Alaska, people don’t mess around down there. If you think you’re gonna get away from the cops in some souped up newfangled contraption, well, you can just forget about that. One man learned that lesson the hard way.
Florida native, Rondell Tony Chinuhuk of Anchorage (ok, so yeah, on these iLulz things, I’m gonna beat that Florida man joke INTO THE GROUND) thought it would be nifty to have his very own motorized shopping cart. I mean, we have all fantasized about having our very own motorized shopping carts, right? You see them pimped out rides of your friends and you think, dude, I could totally take you in a motorized shopping cart.
Surely, this must have been what Tony (I wonder if he minds if I call him Tony) was thinking when he climbed on that mighty stallion, the motorized shopping cart. He took that baby for a righteous spin around an Alaskan grocery store (the name of the grocery store is being withheld to prevent people from targeting its other sweet motorized shopping carts).
But alas, all good things must come to an end, and so it was for Tony. The shopping was done (though it doesn’t actually say if he did any shopping or not, but I’m gonna go ahead and make that a reality because it really enhances the iLulziness of this story when I do that). But the joy, well, he was not ready to let go of that joy.
Tony did what any other red blooded American male would do when he found himself on top of that glorious beast, the motorized shopping cart. He peeled that baby right on out of the store. He didn’t stop there either. After about three hours of mind-numbing speeds, Tony ALMOST made it out of the parking lot and was making a b line for his home.
Oh yeah, tonight, Tony thought, the boys at the street drag club are gonna be eating this sweet motorized shopping cart’s dust.
But first, he had to evade the crafty police, who, after a time, finally showed up and gave chase. Relying on sheer white-knuckle driving, these brave cops charged into the fray. Tony dodged and weaved at a breathless speed, sometimes reaching speeds of up to 1.9 miles per hour.
One cop’s dog, who had his head out the cop car door window, fell out of the car from the sheer force of the wind as it raced past the blazing cop cars. It was touch and go and three helicopters were called to try to keep up with the motorized shopping cart, but finally, right as Tony made it out of the parking lot and was crossing a thoroughfare, his luck ran out.
Turns out, cop cars are SLIGHTLY faster than motorized shopping carts. Tony was pulled over and charged with felony theft
Now, some of the facts of this case may have been slightly altered for dramatic effect. He was really only in the parking lot for 10 minutes. The name of the store was Safeway. And, for those who care about such things, this breathtaking chase happened this past Tuesday, November 7th, 2017.
As a side note, let me also confess that Tony is not a Florida man. I don’t think he’s even visited Florida, though I could be wrong about that.
The moral of the story is this, never take a sweet ride unless you know you can outrun the po po. Also, maybe next time try the layaway plan on motorized shopping carts. You do less time that way.