So you’re in your Mom’s basement, eating your cheese curls and chugging down your Yoohoos, the cheese curls and Yoohoos your Mom brought down to you after you screamed up, “Mom, more cheese curls! I’m dying down here!.”
Your Mom comes downstairs with a lovely tray of the cheese curls and a Yoohoo and you’re channeling your inner Cartmen when you say, “Of course I want Cheese Curls,” even as inside your head you’re mouthing “cheesy poofs.”
She looks at you with the disdain of a thousand suns frowning on an advancing blackhole. But she loves you and she equates love to seeing to your every indulgence.
But alas, Dad is home, and he’s storming downstairs now, after having taken a header into the sink, for the third time this week, because he slid on the wet towel you left on the flooded bathroom floor after taking a 3 hour shower that left no hot water for anyone else to take a shower or for your Mom to do the laundry.
He’s not so patient with the black hole approaching, so his disdain of a thousand suns is not hemmed in by his interpretation of love being seeing to your every indulgence, so he lets loose with the fury of zombies, but one of those more intelligent zombies, not the Roger Corman Zombies (think World War Z for a clear reference).
He lets loose with these words, “All you do is sit down here day and night pissing your life away playing these STUPID video games! When are you gonna grow up and DO something with your life?”
At this point, a righteous joy rises from within you, because you’ve heard this line so often, ever since you were 9 and you started playing Angry Birds on your sister’s iPod (which did not go well with your sister, but that’s another episode of “I’m a Loser that Lives in My Mom’s Basement”).
You summon up the words that you can now summon because Ashalnd Unviversity in Ohio exists, and Ashland University in Ohio is offering a scholarship to the top Fortnite players, which happens to be the game that you’ve become a master at.
That’s right, Ashland University in Ohio is offering a scholarship of $4,000 to top Fortnite players to become part of their esports program. Yes, esports is a thing, as many of you know, and colleges are starting to form esports leagues. Now, Ashland University has set a precedent that, surely, other colleges are soon to follow.
So dear old Dad can slunk back upstairs, mildly concussed thanks to your wet towel incident, unable to respond after you say, “Dear Father, I am aware of what I must do to prepare myself for a prosperous and independent future. To that end, I have been working up the hierarchy of Fortnite players in an effort to earn a college scholarship since you spent all of my college money on IPAs and trips to that special place you told me not to talk about in front of Mom.”
Dear old Dad looks at you, grunts, glances at the wife, your Mom, who missed the dangerous reference to the “special place” because she’s wondering if you should be wearing a sweater when you sit down in the cold basement playing video games.
Everything is safe and secret and Dad has been sufficiently shamed. He goes up the stairs, a thin trail of blood still lacing down his forehead, a not-so-proud reminder of the wet toweling he experienced not more than 10 minutes before his pride, his dignity, his safety from his wife was put in doubt.
Thanks to Ashland, you’re not a loser, buddy. You’re a winner, you’re an esports jock and you’re gonna get paid.
The college will also be offering scholarships for esports ethletes (is that a thing, because if it’s not, it should be) who also excel in Overwatch and League of Legends. There will be open tryouts conducted in the future, at times to be announced.
The school has 4,600 students and hopes to attract some attention to the school through its esports teams.