German Octogenarian Rescued from Zucchini Bomb in Daring Operation

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the world’s most dangerous vegetable, zucchini.  That’s right, it’s an interesting factoid (that I just totally made up, so play along kids) that zucchinis were often used by the Allies as effective bombs during World War II.  The landscape in Germany is littered with zucchini craters and unexploded zucchinis.

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You can’t go more than two feet in Germany without hearing some German person saying (presuming you actually speak German and if you do, I’m sorry- please send all hate mail to mrbillcoller@gmail.com , that’s my brother and  I SWEAR he made me write this), “What’s up with all these unexploded Zucchinis?”  Of, “Vas ist Das Zucchinis?”  (at which point Sergeant Schultz runs out and says, “I KNOW NOTHING”- video below, because, well, this is an iLulz):

Ok, so there’s a REAL story behind my interesting factoid (that I just totally made up, so try and keep up with the parodization if you can).  It turns out there’s this German dude, he’s kind of towards the older side of life (he’s 81).  He hails from the German town of Brettan (which sounds French, which is weird because the Germans and the French do NOT get along).

He was perusing his vast empire of home ownership one day when he stumbled upon an unexploded shell, presumably from World War II because, as far as I know, the allies stopped bombing Germany after World War II.  Now they’re all like, Germany, sup, you sweet, we like you now.

And Mr. Octogenarian is sure to have known all this, which is why he called “Muh Authoritai!” to report the unexploded World War II bomb.

“Yes, there is a bomb and it is unexploded and it is on my property.  What are you gonna do about it?!”

So the authorities arrive, presumably geared up for bomb issues.  The authorities in this case, were police from a nearby town named Karlsruhe.  What’s up Bretten, can’t afford your own World War II bomb removal team?  Sad, as Donald Trump would say (holy crap, I worked in a Donald Trump reference on an iLulz, BONUS!).

The police from Karlsruhe examined the bomb, only to discover it was really a zucchini, which is why this the iLulz of the day (DUH!).  If this had been an actual bomb, I would have selected a story about a hamster that learned how to talk (ok, so again, that didn’t actually happen, so don’t go googling “talking hamster”…on second thought, go ahead and google it and get back to me on what you found at pg@istate.tv ).

Not wanting to humiliate the octogenarian, the Karlsruhe police did say, “dude, really, it really did look like a bomb.”  I might be paraphrasing, but you get the point.

One of the BEST parts of this story, is how Huffington Post covered this, or, rather, how they first covered this and how they changed their coverage.  At the bottom of their article is this truly delightful note:  CORRECTION: A previous version of this story incorrectly stated the vegetable was an eggplant.

This is an important correction that, had they not included it, I would have been under the grievous mistaken assumption that they always knew it was a zucchini.  But whew, it’s good to know they originally thought it was an eggplant.

Finally, there’s this last note from the police.  They made the pithy observation that the errantly-placed zucchini was most likely the victim of a tossing, that some miscreant had most likely decided to toss their veggies at the octogenarian’s house.  Not cool man, not cool.

Also, the zucchini was fine and was later eaten by the talking hamster.  The moral of this story?  Before you assume there’s a bomb in your yard, see if you can eat it first.  If you can’t, well, you’re dead.  If you can, well, don’t call the police.  Also, don’t call the police.

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About Paul Gordon 1368 Articles

Paul Gordon is the publisher and editor of iState.TV. He has published and edited newspapers, poetry magazines and online weekly magazines.
He is the director of Social Cognito, an SEO/Web Marketing Company. You can reach Paul at pg@istate.tv