Fecal Microbiota Transplants Could Offer Less Invasive Alternative to Colonoscoy In Treating Gut Infections
Are you tired of going through life feeling like you’re eating one crap sandwich after another? Have you been burdened by too many people in your life referring to you as a s$%thead? Well, turn that negative into a positive and swallow the load of bull I’m about to sling your way.
Let’s set this up by talking about a group of people who suffer from recurring bouts of infection of the gut. These infections are called (get ready for some high-sounding Latin coming your way kids) Clostridium difficile (I sure hope that means “yeah, I’m a really difficult phrase to pronounce”). But don’t let the name intimidate you. All the cool kids are calling it C. difficile (which sounds like a DJ name now, so it’s not so scary, but really, it is….scary, that is).
And yes, trust me, I’m totally burying the lead here but I’m doing so for dramatic effect so just trust me and keep reading. Remember, this IS your iLulz of the day, so trust me, there’s a payoff (side note: never trust someone who always says trust me, except me, you can trust me, trust me).
So C. difficile (the infection, not the DJ, even though there is no ACTUAL DJ that calls themselves C. difficile, but there should be, so someone make that happen) is an infection of the gut that pretty much wipes out what’s called your gut bacteria (because it’s in your gut and it’s bacteria…that’s science, kids). The infection occurs typically after someone goes through antibiotic treatment.
What happens in scientifical (real word, don’t look it up) terms is the antibiotic stuff goes crazy and targets more than just whatever bacteria it was originally intended to punch in the metaphorical (or literal) face (I don’t know if bacteria have faces, but if they did, that would be cool to see their faces get punched, unless for some real reason their faces looked like puppies with big exaggerated eyes). These anti-bacterial bullies go after your gut bacteria (remember, that’s the bacteria in your gut…keep up) and start wiping these bad boys out, leaving you in pretty bad shape.
The infection will pretty much set your colon on fire and cause you to sit on the toilet, engaging in perpetual diarrhea-making. Your butt will be to diarrhea what the Federal Reserve is to printing fiat dollars, a never-ending cycle of madness.
For those of you who regularly read iLulz features, you know something’s coming, because a story about gut bacteria and the side effects of losing gut bacteria just isn’t gonna cut it. Well, I won’t disappoint you, friends. Here it comes, the Lulz that makes life worth living.
A recent study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association suggests that the traditional method of treating this infection, and preventing the recurring part of this infection (that’s the part that really sucks), your classic colonoscopy, might not be the best way to treat this infection any more.
It seems there’s a new sheriff in town, Mr. C. difficile, and it’s name is crap, poop, s#*t, whatever you want to call it. The cure for C. difficile is, well, crapsules (that’s crap combined with capsule), or poop pills.
This is literally poop, “donor poop,” pushed into a capsule and digested by the patient. The “donor poop” has fresh gut bacteria that quickly repopulates the patient’s gut, ending the infection and, presumably, the perpetual diarrhea. So, interestingly enough, you end the flood of poop with more poop. Only this poop is good poop because it ends the flow of bad poop.
I feel so dirty writing this but I MUST PUSH ON!
In order for you to feel comfortable swallowing poop (dude, you’re LITERALLY taking crap), the doctors have come up with a significantly prestigious sounding name for this. They call it Fecal Mirobiota Transplants. If that still doesn’t do the job to sanitize swallowing crap, just shorten it to FMT.
So, when politicians speak and people actually believe them, can it be said that the people listening to the politicians and believing them have just had an FMT?
There’s a lot more details about these studies, including indications that creating pills with only the spores (and no poop) are actually not effective. But this isn’t a science paper, kids, this is iLulz.
96 percent of the people in one study were cured of the infection. Can you imagine being in that 4 percent of people who just swallowed crap that came out of someone else’s butt and NOT having the infection go away? That’s a terrible thought. I’m sorry I did that to myself.
One last note, the people taking the pills have one minor complaint. The treatment consists of taking 40 pills in the span of one hour. That part, that does not seem terribly pleasant. But they’d rather swallow poop than have something shoved up their butt (which is the colonoscopy way).
I don’t know if I agree with them, I don’t know if I don’t. It seems like the Sophie’s choice of healthcare decisions though (except none of your kids die, and yes, I’m a terrible human being for bringing up a reference to Sophie’s choice, a movie about a mom having to decide which kid she’s gonna save, in a story about swallowing crap, but this is who I am and I am NOT ASHAMED).
The moral of the story is this: The next time someone says you’re full of crap say, not now, I’m not suffering from a C. difficile infection. But if I was, oh boy, fill me with your poops (in capsule form only, please).
Also, here’s Mr. Hanky, the Christmas poo. It just seemed…appropriate. And Merry Christmas in advance.