The other week I was trying to get a big plastic swimming pool home from Walmart. It was on sale what with WINTER IS COMING and all (good, Paul, good, you managed to work in a Game of Thrones reference). So sure, I tried to tie the dang thing onto my roof using some strings and whatnot and yeah, I managed to get the car going with the swimming pool tied down.
But, as I drove, I noticed that the wind was kind of getting up and under the big plastic swimming pool, pulling at my handy dandy string tie jobby thing like really hard. Eventually, well, as you can imagine, the big plastic swimming pool lifted up like Cher’s face right after a secret visit with her special Brazilian doctor pal (she gets Facelifts, ok, facelifts, GET IT?!).
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I watched in amazement as the big plastic swimming pool took to the sky, swirling in its blue magnificence. It made me wonder if the earth was flat but then I realized I wasn’t that stupid so I quickly dismissed that thought. I waited patiently for the big plastic pool to settle back down to earth like Cher’s face settles down after two days without a botox treatment (DUDE, what is YOUR PROBLEM with CHER!).
I still wasn’t home. And there I was, holding up traffic. But gosh dang it, I got a DEAL on this damned pool and I was GONNA GET it home, because, you know, WINTER IS COMING. So I repeated the work I did in the Walmart parking lot. I tied that buddy down like a Senator ties down a lifetime pension, REAL HARD, REAL SECURE.
I then proceeded on my merry way, convinced I rocked that big plastic swimming pool and brought it to submission. Not to be, nope, not to be. I mean sure, I got a good distance, but eventually the wind got all up in that and tore the big plastic swimming pool free, sending it gracefully into the grey WINTER IS COMING sky, leaving me to once again briefly contemplate the flat earth, and once again realize I wasn’t that stupid, and once again committing to another round of “oh, youze getting’ tied REAL GOOD now, REAL GOOD!”
Well, it wasn’t getting tied real good. But I did eventually make it home, five hours later, from Walmart, which was less than five miles from my house. I remember when I got home thinking to myself, you know, if only I had a small child to throw on top of the big plastic swimming pool I’d have avoided all this mess.
And, yeah, after all that, I am now convinced the earth is flat. Because, well, yeah…
Now, of course I made this whole story up, but it’s the only thing I can imagine someone experiencing that would do what the woman in today’s iLulz did.
A 28-year old Wisconsin woman (who is not a Floridian, trust me, I TOTALLY checked on this), named Amber “I’m not from Florida but I really want to be, can’t you tell” Schmunk did what any good schmuck would do when confronted with the problem of keeping a big plastic swimming pool secured to her car roof, she grabbed a kid.
In this case, Amy had a minivan, the family minivan. It’s s September 9th, in the current year (2017, in case you’re NOT READING this in the current year, which assumes that this site has not been taken over by Russians or flat earthers who are probably gonna be really annoyed with me after they read this), and we’re in the modern town of Fredonia, Wisconsin.
Schmunk (yeah, it’s Schmunk, not Schuck, that would have been too perfect), decided that there was no freaking way she was going to be able to keep that big plastic swimming pool from being snatched up by the wind, so, rather than experience what I fictitiously experienced (though the pain is still real, my friends), she grabbed her kid and stuck the kid on top of the car, with the instruction to HOLD DOWN that SWIMMING POOL.
I guess when you see something like that you might go ahead and try to pull her over, cut her off, prevent her from continuing to drive with a kid in that unsafe a position. Well, not if you’re a Fredonian. Apparently, rather than trying to act to immediately protect the kid, some Fredonian decided the best move would be to CALL THE POLICE. So they called the police, who eventually caught up with her, pulled her over, and got the kid from on top of the minivan.
Yeah, nice job Fredonia. Way to think like a sheep, and act like a sheep. But I digress…
When the cops pulled her offer, she told the cops that she just couldn’t strap down that big plastic swimming pool so she called on her son to climb on up there and hold that pool down. Yeah, she did that.
The complaint against Schmunk was just filed this week, Tuesday, October 31st, on Hallows Christmas (yeah, I said that right- if you were my Facebook friend, you’d know I’m celebrating the 70 days of Christmas). She could face up to 10 years in prison for second degree recklessly engendering the safety of a child.
The local news affiliate there in Fredonia, Wisconsin covered this story. They interviewed a neighbor and got this brilliant flash of insight from her. The neighbor was Barbara Sellin. And I am betting Barbara is a flat earth candidate, just saying. She said, when asked about the incident, “As a grandparent right now, I mean, I know the kids have to be strapped in. That’s just common sense. You love your kids and take care of them. To put a kid on top of the car is beyond ridiculous.”
In all fairness to Barbara, she might have said a bunch of other things to the reporter that were left out, or this quote was taken out of context, but otherwise, Barbara, really? So your kid needs to be strapped in? For muh safeties? And this was beyond ridiculous? Seriously? Did you even entertain for one second it was anything BUT beyond ridiculous?
Well, at least the big plastic swimming pool made it home because, well, you know, WINTER IS COMING.