Hey there kids out there in kiddie land. I got some GOOD news and then…well…then I got some slightly bad news. It turns out that when you were little and your parents told you about Santa Claus, well, maybe they were fibbing. That’s right, they made it up. OR DID THEY!!!!!!!
Nope, even if they THOUGHT they made it up, they didn’t. Santa Claus is a REAL DUDE. That’s right kids, I’m happy to report to you that Santa Claus is freaking real. He’s real kids. Let me say this again so you can fully take this in. SANTA CLAUS IS REAL! I really want you to enjoy this moment. Revel in it. Take it in. Maybe even do a celebration. I tell you what, pause this article (if you can pause articles) and go ahead and throw a SANTA IS REAL PARTY. Really party hard though, I mean, really hard.
When you’re done, come on back and read the rest of the article.
DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU’RE GOING TO GO HAVE A SANTA IS REAL PARTY!
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Hey there kids. Welcome back. Hope you enjoyed that Hope you really reveled in the wonderful news that Santa is real. Did you? Good, because, well, now comes the bad news. You see, Santa IS real. That’s for sure. But, well, he’s dead. And archeologists think they found his tomb beneath the St. Nicholas Church in the Turkish province of Antalya. Dude is dead, like serioulsy dead. Christmas is cancelled, so, don’t even go out and get a tree and for the love everything that’s decent don’t sing any more Christmas songs. It will just remind you of the pain, the pain of living in a world where you think Santa is real and that’s cool, then you find out he’s not real, which is kind of sucky, then you find out he’s REAL! But finally, you learn the dude is dead, deader than dead, like rotting in a tomb dead.
Sorry. But, yeah. Did I tell you how much I hate Christmas?
Here’s the link to the story that inspired today’s iLulz. Don’t shoot the messenger.
From the original story:
A recent scan of the ground beneath St. Nicholas Church in the Turkish province of Antalya has revealed what local officials say could be a secret tomb. They believe the tomb could belong to the popular Christian saint who helped inspire the legendary character Santa Claus, the Hurriyet Daily reports.
The discovery was made using ground-penetrating radar amid local speculation that St. Nicholas, who was born in the church’s town of Demre, previously known as Myra, could still be buried there.
The church, located in the town of Demre, previously known as Myra, is said to have been the original resting place of the famous saint.
“We believe this shrine has not been damaged at all, but it is quite difficult to get to it as there are mosaics on the floor,” Karabayram told the Turkish paper.
The process of excavating the ground is expected to take some time, with workers first having to carefully loosen and then remove the titles.
A body previously thought to have been St. Nicholas was moved out of the church in the 11th century and is believed to have wound up in Italy, Newsweek reported.
This past spring, some of those relics ― including a gold-encased rib ― left Italy for Moscow, making the relics’ first trek outside of the country in nearly 1,000 years, the Telegraph reported.
But some Turkish officials are now saying those remains could actually have belonged to an unidentified priest, not St. Nicholas. That’s the theory of Professor Yıldız Ötüken of Hacettepe University’s history of art department, according to Karabayram.
And yeah, it’s Santa, we know it is. Them Turks are covering up, but that’s cool, as long as you all know he’s real (yeah) and he’s dead (oh yeah, he ded!).